April Fool's

Gee...weekend na ulit....bilis ng panahon...lapit na din ako bumalik ng manila...exactly one month from now...how was my stay here so far? well, in terms of work, I can say I'm doing pretty good...for the last couple of weeks I have just been getting up to speed and preparing myself for the coming month which will most likely be more toxic for me...Lots of meetings and calls discussing what needs to be done, the scope of our release, action items, etcetera, etcetera...for the first time in my stay here, I was pissed by one teammate...pabibo ito at my expense! peste! Last wednesday, we were investigating whether a certain service was offered by standard delivered SAP ESS...he was having a hard time articulating the results of our investigation so I offered compose the email instead. He was ok with that and told me to send it to him first before actually sending it to our lead. So I did. It turned out, he sent the email that I sent him to our lead as if he was the only one who did everything! Fuck that! Kahit saang sulok ng mundo pala may mga taong ganito! These are the kinds of people we hated so much pa naman diba tin??? Had I been in manila, siguro mas kaya ko pa matake un eh...pero here, where I have to prove myself worthy of being sent here among other teammates, ibang usapan na un! After that incident, I resolve to be more proactive and make my big fat ass more visible in team efforts...meron pa pala...as if that was not enough, this dimwit had another comment yesterday that really made me want to wring his neck! After a conference call in the afternoon with our teammates in cali, we had to fill out process forms in the MDM. twas almost 5pm when we finished but I decided to do it right after the call since I have to wait for raymond and anton anyway...he was chatting with the guy next to me when he went to look at what I was doing...When he saw I was filling out the forms in the MDM, he blurted out, "hey you should also start filling out the integration points part so I could leverage from what you are doing! I've heard you're one of the experts from the development team in manila anyway!" whatdafuck??!!! can you just leave me alone and do your own stuff you bloodsucking moron??!!! do you really have a special knack for pissing people off or what??? You're so good at it you deserve an award i swear!! Kapal talaga ng muka!! Well buti na lang sha lang ung ganyan dito...all other teammates are ok naman...

Speaking of office...yesterday before leaving, i felt like i made a total fool of myself...I was packing up getting ready to leave when rich and a certain guy walked past my work station...rich said "have a good night shirley!" and I just replied with a smile and a short "you too!"...and then the guy with him took a step back and asked rich "hey, is this shirley regular?" (now that's weird! how in the world did he know my name?!!) and so I just smiled and said "yes"..."i'm K*n *o**n. nice to finally put a face in a name.." as if I just saw tom cruise or bradd pitt or keanu reeves, I just stood there smiling as i fumbled saying "hi, nice to meet you!"... potaena! un lang naman ang big boss namin sa project (he's our Associate Partner)! And I screw up finally meeting him! well not totally naman...It's just that, I felt stupid not being able to at least somehow manage a good conversation! Oh well...I guess I just have to redeem myself next time we meet...

Hmm...outside work, I think I'm actually doing better...just taking it one day at a time and enjoying every single day that I have left before going back to manila...Being the loner that I am, I didn't mind spending time alone in the apartment...I actually missed the independence since I moved back to our house last year kaya I'm enjoying every minute of it...and when I feel homesick or lonely, there's lynne and anton and raymond that I can always bug...hehehe...I have never really gone out on gimmicks yet so I have not met anyone new just yet...you know, lovelife material kumbaga...not that I'm looking, it's just that I thought it would be nice to fall in love again...I think it was just the other day when I realized that it's been a while since I felt in love and was loved back...And once in a while, you just miss that feeling...I feel like I've become so jaded that I am no longer capable of falling head-over-heels in love...I mean, yes, I've met some men who made my heart flutter, but when it's just a one-way street, sooner or later it becomes tiring..Waiting for someone to love you is like waiting for rain during a drought...no assurance that it's gonna come, it makes you frustrated and eats up all your emotions until you're left barren and empty. I've waited for something like 5 years--all those years were put to waste to a big time jerk and one who's mind I still cannot decipher.. The first one was purely a mistake..3 long years of mistake..I thought it was good while it lasted but thinking it over, I just realized it was never good to begin with..He lingered too long only to leave with the best timing..with the second one, I don't blame him for any pain that I have felt or might still feel in the coming days...i was just stupid to fall for the trap.. for a while it was fun to hope and wish that your feelings might just be the same but two years of that just made me feel more pathetic..For two long years I have devouted all my time and effort to one guy who does not have the slightest idea as to how I feel..ain't that stupid? I mean, yes he's kind and sweet and really nice but he just doesn't love me! And it took me two years to realize that! I almost made it even worse by telling him how I felt, good thing the more rational part of me thought otherwise...At least I saved a beautiful friendship from turning into a total abyss..hayy...there goes a short gist of my past two pseudo-relationships (if you call it that)...From now on, there will be no guessing games for me, no more waiting in vain, not even settling for a guy who does not love me enough to commit to me...I know this will not be easy but just like my stay here in Chicago, I'll take it one day at a time...I just pray to God that he gives me enough strength to go through this changes and not let me falter...and who knows, I might just end up finally finding THE ONE.